“I walk by a
broken shell and leave it to search for more perfect ones…But then I stop, go
back, and pick up the broken shell. I realize that this shell is me with my
broken heart….this shell has had to fight so hard to keep from being totally
crushed by the pounding surf…just as I have had to. Yet this shell is still out
on the beautiful sandy shore,
just as I am.”
just as I am.”
One year ago today, God called my Pete home. It has been a hard year, a long year. A year filled with sweet rememberings. Lots of hugs from family and friends. Many, many tears yet many smiles, too. A year of trying to figure out life without Pete, a life that seeks to go on and serve the Lord without the man I loved beside me, a life that is lonely in many ways yet filled as I still trust God as my loving Father. One year ago, our family was surrounding Pete with our love and prayers as he slipped into God’s presence.
“Broken shells
mean lots of tears, lots of pain…lots of struggle…but they are also valuable
for teaching faith, courage, and strength. Broken shells inspire others and
demonstrate the will to go on in a way that no perfect shell could ever do.
Broken shells are shells that have been tested…and tried…and hurt…
yet they don’t
quit. They continue to be…”Today, as I am so full of a heart already raw with my emotions from my memories of this time last year, I am sitting at the bedside of my precious Mom whom the Lord may call home on this very same day! She has reached the end of her life here on earth…she will slip up to Heaven anytime now. I told her the other day that I knew Jesus would be the first One to hug her and welcome her home…and then right behind Jesus would be a huge group of people who would be so excited to see her…a group that would include her mother and father and lots of relatives and friends who have gone before us….and that I knew Pete would be right there in the midst of them all with his big smile, ready to wrap his arms around her and give her a hug! When we realized a few days ago that this time was probably going to happen sometime this week, I couldn’t help but cry out to God, “Why now? Why this week, Father? Why when this particular week is already so full of raw memories and emotions?” Almost immediately, I felt Him say, “Are you going to trust Me? You do not have to know why…you just have to know that I know and that is enough.” There it is again…the lesson of yielding to His Sovereignty that I have had to learn over and over again this year! But oh, how I realize what I have lost (am losing) in one year…two of the people who loved me unconditionally as well as two of my biggest prayer warriors! As I thanked Mom again the other day for praying for me so faithfully through all these years, I told her I didn’t expect that to stop…in fact, she would now have an even more direct link to Jesus so I was expecting her to be even more fervent in her prayers for me!
“I watch the
rolling surf toss new shells onto the shore, and I am reminded of the many
times that I, too, have been tossed by the storms of life and worn down by the
sands of time, just like my beautiful broken shell. But I am reminded that
broken shells don’t stand alone. Thank you, Lord, for being with me to share my
life…Thank you for the precious gift of faith that keeps me strong when I am
weak…that keeps me going when it would be easier to quit. Thank you, Lord, for
hope in times of despair…for light in times of darkness…for patience in times
of suffering…for assuring me that with You all things are possible.”
I have been thinking about those two sand dollars with the holes in the middle of them that God helped me find last year right after Pete died. I have them framed in my kitchen and look at them often. I am still the sand dollar with the big hole in the middle of it…but I can look at the one with the smaller hole and believe that I will eventually get there. As I talk to my grieving Dad this week and hear him say that he cannot imagine life without his partner of almost 60 years, I find myself sharing with him many words that I heard from the Lord and others this time last year…I smile inside as I hear me say those words to him and think of how I was encouraged by so many during this past year as my sorrow was so pressing, so real, so deep. This year has not been easy…but I have felt the love of many as I sought to take the next steps in life for Him. My Dad will be fine…but he will also have to walk through that valley of the shadow of death, as he learns to live without my Mom. I know family and caring friends will be right beside him each step of the way helping to hold his arms up during this hard journey as they have been for me.
I recently heard Tony Evans say, “A valley is a mountain waiting to happen!” I love that…I am looking forward to climbing back up on a mountain again. In the meantime, as I continue to walk through this valley of missing Pete and now missing my Mom alongside my Dad, I will just keep holding on tight to the hand of the One who has not let go of me. He is the only One who can really help us get from that valley back up to that mountain top.
“May I always
take the time to watch a kite dance in the sky…to sing…to pick daisies…to
love…to take risks…to believe in my dreams…Let me not destroy the beauty of
today by grieving over yesterday…or worrying about tomorrow.”
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted..." Psalms 34:18a
Mom, God is going to say,
“Well done, good and faithful servant!”
You have done well and
been such a light for Him here on earth!
Give Pete a big hug for me
when you get there!
Tell him how much I love
and miss him!
Dad and I will see you
both one day when God calls us home, too!
Thank you for sharing from the depths of your soul on this intense day of grief and remembering. I am praying for you and your family. Your mom certainly had a profound influence on my life at a very critical part of my journey. Hugs to all of you.
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